IF YOU FAIL TO PLAN, YOU PLAN TO FAIL

This picture and caption PERFECTLY depict how I feel today.  For those of you who haven't guessed it yet, I am not perfect.  I am a normal, overweight since childhood, girl trying to overcome a lifetime of bad eating choices and sometimes, I fall short!  Today was one of those sometimes.

I have the appropriate tools.  I have been given such amazing opportunities and MOST OF THE TIME live up to them, yet sometimes I have a temporary lapse in judgement, where the IDIOT comes out and takes all my goals for that day and puts them on vacation. Today was one of those days, a day I will never be proud of.

Today I freaked myself out by a choice I made.  And after all was said and done, I spent the rest of the day beating myself up about it.  Instead of moving on, going forward and recommitting to NEVER let that happen again!  Why do we do that to ourselves?  Why can't we move on instead of keep torturing your already weak self.  I think the reason for me is that I KNOW I CAN DO HARD THINGS, and yet I showed myself today how weak I still am.

Let me explain my dilemma. And for those of you who think I am "AMAZING" you might reconsider after the truth be told.

I have been VERY ill since Friday.  I have been pushing through migraine after migraine and stomach aches after stomach aches until I just broke down yesterday and couldn't push anymore.. I was hurting and exhausted.  I came home from work at 6pm and collapsed on my bed asleep for nearly 3 hours and slept hard.  I stayed in my bed the rest of the night, no dinner, no workout...I was too sick to even move.

I woke at 6am this morning and knew I was not going to make it out of my bed, let alone to work. I texted my bosses and waited for a response.  They suggested that I try to sleep it off and check in at noon, so I went back to sleep.  I set my alarm for 11:45am, woke up a bit to see if I felt any better, I did not.  I told them I was sorry but I needed to go to a doctor.  I HATE GOING TO THE DOCTOR!  I don't know why it trips me out so much, but I just absolutely hate it!

That decision made me have to leave my bed to get on the computer and look up a doctor that my insurance accepts (I have lived here over 2 yrs and other than the dentist and chiropractor, i have never been to a doctor). Called a few local friends and tracked down an office that has plenty of family practice doctors to help me out and got an appointment.

After booking my doctor I realized that I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours and I was so hungry my other part of my tummy hurt. I was tired, I was weak and I didn't want to make anything (or so I told myself) and the next thing I knew I had a medium pizza delivered to my door.  I paid the driver the $9.38, (they said they don't normally deliver under $20 but they had someone else in my complex just order so they would make an exception...oh how convenient, right?!) shut the door and got back on my couch, under my cuddle blanket and started to eat this pepperoni, pineapple and tomato pizza (with no cheese.. not a big cheese fan on pizza's). I am ashamed to admit that it wasn't till I got to piece FOUR and started feeling OVER FULL that I became a "conscious eater" and said to myself, WAIT A MINUTE, what just happened here?! SIDE NOTE: I will be honest with you, NEVER in my 33 yrs of life have I EVER ordered a pizza to my house all for myself...EVER!  This was the moment I FREAKED!!  What was I doing?!  What was I thinking?!  WHAT AM I EATING?! I picked up the pizza and walked it and the box to the dumpster outside.  I then proceeded to mentally beat myself up for the rest of the day!

Now don't get me wrong here, I haven't sworn off pizza for the rest of my life.  Although pizza wouldn't be my first choice in food to indulge in usually, if I were planning to eat pizza I would save up my 10% (I have talked here before about The Biggest Loser Resort 90/10 plan..90% of the time you eat on target 10% or 2 meals a week for me you can have an indulgence) and have my pizza as a planned splurge.  But this was NOT in the plan, this was very UNPLANNED and very unconscious and that is what scared me!

After a couple hours I tried to move on, move past and go about my planned appointment hoping this would all go away.

I went to the doctor. We talked about how sick I have been feeling, what my symptoms are etc.  After doing a few tests on me and checking my stats etc he determined that I was severely dehydrated!  I was shocked.  We talked about my exercise and how I had come home from the resort and then continued 2 hours a day pretty consistently and he was then pretty sure of it.  So I was given some migraine medicine so I could function and assigned to come back on Saturday (after drinking OODLES of fluids) and take a hydration test and do a series of labs and he would determine if I needed to go get an IV or not. 

On my way home from the doctor it had STILL not gone away so I decided to come clean with my battle buddy Joni and tell her what I did.  It felt good for a moment and she didn't act as though she thought it were too big of deal.  Then I spent 2 hours pacing the floor of the grocery store waiting for my prescription.  I was walking and looking at foods, sugar contents, sodium content etc.  As I was filling my cart with good options (like I usually do weekly) I was back at beating myself up for losing sight of what I know is most important for me, my journey, my life, MY HEALTH!

I still cannot understand what came over me this afternoon.  I REALLY am committed to this lifestyle, I am.  I am not looking to make excuses.  I thought that I trusted myself, my decisions and then I was side swiped.  I tend to have a really hard time making "good choices" in social situations, but there was NO social situation here...just me, myself and I.  I think this is really what upsets me, I want to trust my choices, especially ALONE.

So tonight as I lay in bed, still beating myself up.. I decided to reach out to a couple other friends along the way.  Heather and Bri, you helped me more than you know!!!  Thank you for listening, not judging me and understanding the place where I was coming from.  Bri said to me, "If this were easy, I would be wearing a bikini right now!"  That made me smile. Then she said, "Funks are good for you. It shows you how much your health means to you!"

 I love my BLR family, My battle buddy, and all my friends who support this journey! 

Their wisdom and reassurance to me basically says this:

And tonight, I believed them..

I am strong enough!  I have enough courage to go forward and with the support I have, if I PLAN I have

NO ROOM FOR FAILURE!

So the rest of this evening I went back to the drawing board.  I restocked the cupboard where I go when I am too starving to make good choices on meals.  There I have almonds (in 100 calorie servings), Mint Chocolate Zone Bars, Wasa Crackers, Freeze Dried apples etc. Now when I feel that WEAK side come on, I can curb that hunger until I am confident I make the right choices again.  Its ALL about CHOICES!